Bank of America, it's time we had a talk.

Bank of America, let's talk.

Seriously.

Why won't you return my calls?

I have logged over 100 phone calls to your gigantic organization, rarely reaching the same person twice, in the past 4 months. Since the day after you illegally foreclosed on my mother-in-law's home.

I've tried to be nice. I've tried to give you opportunity time and time again to do the right thing and just reinstate the mortgage. And yet you have screwed up every step of the way, and here we are, still going round and round.

You know what I feel like? I feel like the ex-girlfriend that you're blowing off, hoping she'll just go away. But instead, she's driven to stalker-like behavior in order to get your attention.

Every time I call, I go through an automated system of number punching for ten minutes, and then put on hold listening to the same hellish elevator music for another ten minutes, so that I'm almost over the edge anyway by the time I get a real human on the phone.

Whoever the human is, it's a different one every time, and I end up having to tell my story. It doesn't matter if they're sympathetic or completely heartless and rude, they don't have any authority to do anything. When I asked to be passed on to you, the person in charge who can make decisions....the person who can wave the magic wand and make this horrific mess go away in an instant, I'm told someone will get back to me. And nobody ever does. In fact, it's been more than 3 weeks since ya'all told me you'd get back to me, since you said you'd write. Since you said you'd call. But you never did.

Bank of America, I'm beginning to think maybe you don't like me.

Like you're trying to tell me it's over, but don't have the guts to actually say it. Because you're afraid there's a chance I might hire a goon to come after you. So instead, you're ignoring me, getting other people to take my calls and tell me you'll call me back, but you don't really intend to.

Bank of America, I do think it's time to call it quits between us.

But you're not getting my mother-in-law's house.

I promise you that.

Because you know what I have on my side?

Honor. Truth. And a great story that will play out so horribly for you in the newspapers and in the courtroom.

I ask you... is there anyone reading this right now, even without knowing the whole completely fantastic story, that has a shred of sympathy for the largest bank in the country, which was bailed out by my tax dollars, and now can't return a phone call or follow through on a simple promised task? Is there anyone who has sympathy for the Goliath that foreclosed on a little old lady's house when she was in the hospital on life support?

If there's even one small blood cell in your body that is tempted to bleed for Bank of America, read on, friend. And pass it on.