Calling Brian Moynihan! I've got a degree in Communication, so let me show you how.

Hi Brian Moynihan, CEO of Bank of America! It's been a few days. I meant to get back to you earlier, but I've been kind of busy, communicating. Not with your people, of course. It's been a long time since anyone in your organization has actually returned a phone call. Communication is my business. I've got a degree in it. So, I figured perhaps once again, I could offer my expertise in that area to help you understand what went horribly wrong with Bank of America.

Brian, good communication is a great, necessary foundation for a long lasting relationship.

This is not new news to you, I'm sure. Since you and Susan have been married successfully long enough to have 3 children together, you must have pretty good communication skills when it's important to you. And as the captain of your rugby team at Brown you probably had to learn to communicate well with your teammates. So this is not a new concept to you.

But it seems to be for the 100,000+ employees under your charge.

This is going to be a tough one for you, but you're going to have to start demanding that your employees communicate with your clients. It'll be one month this Wednesday since my last conversation with Jennifer Saunders in fraud. I've called her numerous times and faxed her since then, but communicating with me doesn't seem to be a high priority for her. I'm also still waiting for a reinstatement quote that I was promised 3 weeks ago from Dionne Williams. These are just the most recent examples of a lack of follow through and communication with your people. And remember Brian, I'm actually trying to GIVE YOU MONEY to reinstate my mother-in-law's mortgage. Right now we're just sitting in limbo, waiting for you people to get your act together. So get crackin', buddy. Get it together. Instead of wasting all your time in conference calls defending the poor reading skills of the people you hired to sign foreclosure documents, start demanding that your employees quit filing their nails and playing playing online solitaire and start calling clients back so that work can get done.

Don't go thinking it's just me that's not being communicated with, Brian. I am hearing over and over again these same lack of communication stories about Bank of America from other clients and former clients. These are people who are trying to complete various tasks with your organization, and are getting nowhere because your people don't have the tools to help them. When you've got an organization as large as yours, you need to give them tools. You need to educate them. Give them a playbook or something. Try communicating with your own employees so that they can, in turn, start communicating effectively with the people you're not serving, who are going to cut their ties with you as fast as they can and go to a smaller bank who's head can see its tail, and understands the value of returning a phone call.

Normally I wouldn't suggest Outsourcing. But in your case, I'll make an exception.

I think outsourcing is one of the evils destroying our country. For every 3 employees in a third world country, that's probably equivalent to one American on unemployment. And I have such a hard time understanding broken English from thousands of miles away. And I'm really bothered when I'm told I'm speaking with Ronald or Ted, but I'm pretty sure it's Sanjit Rajneeshijad. So I'm not a fan of outsourcing.

However, Brian Moynihan, CEO of Bank of America, in your case I'll make an exception. Nothing would make me happier than knowing a bunch of the red blooded Americans who currently answer the phone when I call you for help are filing for unemployment. Because then, perhaps, they'll be a little more motivated to actually work for their wage. So far, I'm not seeing a whole lot of work going on. I'm seeing a lot of stalling, I'm not getting any of my phone calls returned, I've been waiting for 3 weeks for Jennifer Saunders in fraud to call me back. What's up with that?

Anyway, I think you'd be justified in outsourcing the entire organization to India or Taiwan, because then you'd save enough money to start paying back the 25 BILLION dollars in TARP funds - funds that were made possible by people like me who pay taxes. Funds that were supposed to help stop, not continue the madness.

Maybe if you outsourced you wouldn't have to charge your customers $8.95 a month for a checking account. By the way, Brian, my mother-in-law closed her accounts at Bank of America and took her money to US Bank after she was treated very poorly at her local banking center. But somehow, someone failed to actually close the account. So your wonderful, well-run institution began charging her, and then sent her to a collections agency to try to recoup those charges. Come on, you gotta admit, that's pretty lame.

I am deeply disappointed in the way your employees are handling your business. I understand you want to make a profit. But it shouldn't be made by cheating little old ladies, signing documents that destroy other people's lives without reading them through, or not finishing tasks, dropping the ball, not returning phone calls, and basic procrastination. It really makes you guys look bad.

So I say get rid of the whole bunch and outsource.

Actually, outsourcing to another country, while it would save you money, isn't my recommendation. I've got a plan that would allow you to not only improve customer service, but also get you some major PR Bonus Points! Yes, you still fire them all, but instead of going overseas, replace them with out of work Americans who have just lost their homes to foreclosure. Americans whose homes were taken from them when your employees signed off but failed to read the documents. Americans who lost everything because when they called your customer service call center to try to fix the problem, they ended up reaching someone who has no clue how to handle the phone call. Someone who has no idea how to help them. Or someone who has no intention to help them. Or perhaps they were finally routed to the correct department, but nobody answered the phone. That's happened a zillion times to me. So they left a message, and never got a call back. Brian, get rid of these people who don't take customer service seriously. IT MAKES YOU LOOK BAD.

Brian, if you're not convinced that Bank of America's customer service needs a serious overhaul, just try calling your own 800# to try to fix a problem. Note how horrid your on hold music is, and then see if 15 minutes later you're not ready to strangle a bunny.

OK, go take a break, wipe your brow, think about what I've said and let's meet back here after lunch so we can talk about communication.